Our world is always fluid, now more than ever, which can bring uncertainty into our daily adult lives. For kids still building core skills to manage life, or what I like to call their “tool bag,” change can be all-consuming.

Being the “new kid” at school is something most of us parents have been through at least once, but I will be the first to admit it has been a very long time (and I’m not willing to share just how long). During the pandemic, I homeschooled my son and when it was time to reenroll in a traditional school, he voiced some concerns about being the new kid at school. I tried to brush the moment over and told him he would be fine, but after he continued to verbalize his internal anxieties, I took a step back and put myself in his shoes. First, I visualized myself starting my new job and remembered what it felt like not to know anyone. I sat with those thoughts for a bit and then I reached way back in my memories from when I was the new kid at school and remember how that felt. It took both activities for me to really see how my son was being impacted by this change. Yes, worrying about changing schools and being the new kid is completely normal, but it doesn’t mean the matter should not be addressed. As a parent, it is important that we listen to our kids, even when we think we don’t have time or that the situation is not really that big of a deal.

Common Concerns of the New Kid at School

• Will the other kids like me?
• Will anyone sit with me at lunch?
• Will I understand what they’re doing in class, or will I be behind in the lessons?
• Will I like my teachers? Will they like me?

What can we do as parents to help ease our kids into their new schools? As a provider who works predominantly with military families that have children who transition schools on average nine times before graduating, I have some ideas:

First and foremost, always remember to share the positives with your child, because I promise they are usually focusing on the scary stuff- the negatives.

Positives of Changing Schools

• You get to make a fresh start.
• You get to make new friends.
• You can get involved in new activities.

Then, communicate with your child the tools they need to be successful during this transition. Give them something to have in their imaginary pocket (imaginary toolbox) and give them what they need to make their way. If it helps, work with them to make a tangible list that they can come back to. I have included a list below to help you out. In my experience, many times kids are just nervous about talking to new people, both their own age and authority figures, such as teachers and other adult helpers. Role-playing some scenarios that they may encounter as the new kid will help build their confidence. Change brings growth, and without growth, we would never have the opportunity to fill our “tool bag” with strengths to manage what’s to come.

Tips for Parents That Can Help with Being the New Kid at School

• Talk about it, remind them that talking about their fears can make them less scary. Let them know that you are available to listen, but also encourage them to share concerns with other safe family members.
• Call the new school ahead of time and set up a tour for both the student and the parents. If your child will ride the bus, take a pre-bus pick-up drive to get a better idea of the bus stop. You could even drive the bus route.
• Visit the school’s website and find out as much as you can about it. You could even make it into a family scavenger hunt. Here are a few ideas of what you could hunt for:
• What are the school’s colors?
• What are the school rules?
• How big is the school?
• What kind of sports activities are available?
• Is there a school newspaper or yearbook?
• What kind of clubs are available?
• Work with the child to pick out their own elective classes, or simply do some research ahead of time so they know who their teachers will be.
• Let the child help pick out their new school supplies, which with help with giving them some control over the new situation and increase positive excitement.
• Encourage your child to take some time to journal their current feelings, as well as reflect on past successes.

Here are suggestions for kids on how to make new friends:

• Smile and be friendly to everyone you meet; this behavior will go a long way.
• Join clubs, get active at school and in your community.
• Participate in sports, both team sports and individual sports
• Take group classes in school, or in the community.
• Spend time at a local park or playground, maybe bring a ball or jump rope with you.
• Be a good listener, everyone appreciates someone who listens.
• Stay positive when talking with others,
• Ask people about themselves, and really try to focus on what they share.
• Accept people as they are, we all have a story.
• Be helpful to others, look for ways to help.
• Give compliments and find ways to make others feel good.

Tips for Kids on How to Talk to New People

• Remember to smile.
• Take a deep breath and jump right in.
• Try to speak slowly.
• Make your voice clear and strong.
• Take your time, there is no need to rush.
• Do your best not to worry about being nervous.

Those that raise their right hand to serve our country in the military, make a minimum of two huge transitions during their lifetime; the transition in by taking an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; and the transition out. Personally, I remember my transition into service being filled with a spectrum of emotions and above all, the feeling of being proud—proud to be able to make the commitment to my country; proud to say I was a member of the most elite military in the world; proud to become part of something bigger. Though each experience is unique, I believe feelings of pride are common with those that make the commitment to serve their country. Military members are immediately immersed in an unfamiliar world with new rules, language, friends, and many new opportunities. It is a time filled with excitement, change, growth, and fear of the unknown. Many military members look back on this time with fond memories—many with a yearning to go back, like the common wish to reunite with childhood. In contrast, the transition out of the military, also a huge transition point in one’s life, is not the same. I’d like to offer my unique personal experience of what I found most challenging and provide some excellent resources that are available to all veterans and family members through the Transition Assistance Program and Military and Family Life Counseling Program.

The Challenges of Transitioning Out of Service

For me, the “transition out time” was a period filled with excitement and opportunity for growth, but it was not at all easy to navigate. Although I had always had a plan in my head for what I would do once I was discharged, the guidance and resources were not as formulaic as the transition into military life. I was excited to become a civilian free to take any job I wanted, but it was overwhelming not to have concrete steps for how to get there.

It is widely known that the military has a way of building its members up to feel as though they can accomplish anything and believe that they have a step up when it comes to the civilian population. While this may be true, it can be harmful to solely rely on this expectation. It is better to be aware of the potential challenges in advance so you can arm yourself with available resources and tools to navigate a successful transition.

In my experience, these are the top three challenges when transitioning back into civilian life:

1. Unrealistic expectations

• It will be easy to get any job I want.
• I will get paid more as a civilian doing the same thing.
• Working 40 hours a week will be east compared to being on call 24 hours a day.
• My experience will be respected; everyone loves military members.

I will get paid enough retirement that I won’t need to work.

2. Loss of identity

• No longer a leader or looked up to by others daily
• Loss of purpose
• No one really understands what you did in the military
• Bored with the new job
• Loss of connection to your familiar support system
• Work no longer makes a difference on a large scale
• Communication style in the civilian world is not the same

3. Limited immediate support 

• Just a number to the VA
• No longer have a chain of command to help
• Waiting list to get support
• Navigating resources alone

Combat Veteran’s Careers states, “The military provides a sense of purpose, well-defined roles and hierarchy, camaraderie, honor and mission—things that can be hard to find or define in the civilian world.” In my experience, this could not be more true. Although I planned and prepped for my exit, I still fell victim to some of these common beliefs and challenges. So, if you have a plan—or even if you don’t—I encourage you to take advantage of the programs and resources available to you while you are still in service to get a jump start on your transition to a successful civilian career. Here are a few I found helpful, and that Magellan Federal assists in delivering.

Available Career Resources

Transition Assistance Program (TAP)
The Department of Defense TAP provides lots of information, tools, and training to share tips on everything from resume prep to financial planning. For example, I remember them bringing in models to our installation from a local suit store to help us prepare for business dress. TAP is available to all transitioning service members and has a wealth of eLearning guides, trainings, and workshops. Connect with your local Transition Assistance Office or view more information on the DoD TAP website.

Military and Family Life Counseling Program (MFLC)
Military and Family Life Counselors (MFLCs) are on the ground at installations around the world providing confidential non-medical counseling to service members and their families to address issues such as improving relationships, stress, parenting, and grief. MFLCs are also armed with a plethora of training resources specific to making the transition from the military to civilian life. I highly suggest connecting with an MFLC at least a year out from your final separation date, even if it is just to help you organize your thoughts and help you more clearly define the path to your future. Contact your installation’s Military and Family Support Center to get started.

Education and Employment Initiative (E2I)
E2I is a Department of Defense program that assists wounded, ill, and injured Service members with education and career opportunities as part of their recovery and transition to civilian life. E2I’s Regional Coordinators work with Service members to identify skills and match those skills to a desired career path. Contact your Regional Coordinator to request an application, or visit the E2I website.

Tips for Successful Transition
While these programs and other resources will help you build a good foundation, it is ultimately up to you to put a detailed plan in place and complete the necessary steps to prepare for your civilian career.

1. Learn about careers—complete a self-assessment, compare occupations, and research industries
2. Find training—research basic adult education, apprenticeships, certifications, and scholarships
3. Network—connect with professionals in your career of choice to help with advice, job leads, and contacts; inform them of your skills and employment goals

It’s never too early to get a head start on preparing for a career that’s best for you and your family after service. I hope these tips will get you started planning today with confidence.

References
• CombatVeteranstoCareers.org, “5 Reasons Veterans Struggle to Transition to the Civilian Workforce,” view article
• Military OneSource