Within the fascinating experience that is life, change is a continual occurrence, and an example of ongoing change is that which is experienced through loss. Humans experience loss in many ways, commonly through the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. A key component of loss is grief.

Grief is a personal process connecting the emotional, social, and physiological realms and is closely tied to overcoming the crisis that comes with loss. For some, grief may be a time involving self-acceptance and self-discovery, while for others, it may be a time of isolation and denial of reality. No matter how it is experienced, it is a journey of mental, emotional, and relational readjustment that may substantially alter a person’s daily life.

Professional counseling can help those experiencing loss and grief identify internal and external resources available to them promotes empowerment, a sense of community, and encourages grieving in healthful ways. Below are tips to support those struggling with loss while also incorporating self-care practices.

Grief Guidance

• Acknowledge grief is a personal experience and listen to the person without an agenda.
• Honor the grief someone is experiencing while being prepared to give the person space.
• Learn what spiritual practice or creative outlet allows the person to connect with their sense of meaning and purpose, then make recommendations accordingly. Not everyone will feel comfortable drawing or journaling.
• Observe how the person is moving through the grieving process and refer as needed. Some may seek a spiritual approach, while others may benefit from a grief counselor if they require more specialized care.
• Maintain self-awareness. Ask yourself, “How does dealing with someone grieving make me feel?” “Does it trigger any personal memories?” “To what extent can personal issues be distracting?”
• Be respectful of the person’s grieving and don’t turn encounters into interrogation sessions. Through self-awareness one may realize addressing someone’s grief can be anxiety provoking.
• It is okay to respond with, “I don’t know”.
• Grief counseling can trigger emotional reactions that may be new and uncomfortable. If this occurs, don’t hesitate to seek support from a trusted person.

Grief Resources for Military Families

One very important component when addressing the process of loss with someone is that, similar to a crisis, the grieving individual may not have the frame of mind, the peace, or the support to address even the most essential basic needs. It may feel as if with the loss comes a loss of connection and where to look for help. Having an advocate who is attuned with the resources available within the military community can be a game changer. The Military & Family Life Counseling (MFLC) program is available to all service members and families for on-installation support with a number of life’s challenges through free, short-term, confidential non-medical counseling. MFLC counselors can help bridge the gap between the grieving person or family and the different agencies that can provide resources to aid during times of despair. Start by contacting your installation’s Military and Family Support Center for more information on the MFLC program. Reaching out for help and resources is an essential element in the process of healing and recovery from loss.

Think back to New Year’s Eve, Tuesday, December 31, 2019. Maybe you had big plans that night to ring in the new year, or maybe you were spending a quiet evening at home. In either case, you probably had expectations about 2020 and hopes that it would be happy, healthy and prosperous…

Fast forward a couple months to February, 2020 when we began hearing more about a new coronavirus, COVID-19, originating from Wuhan, China that had made its way into the United States and was beginning to spread.

Changes caused by COVID-19

We started to see our world and our lives drastically change, experiencing loss and grief in several forms. For many of us, there were no more commutes to work, as we began to work from home if we were lucky enough to keep our job. There was no more getting the kids off to the bus stop or waiting in the drop-off line, as schools closed and switched to a virtual learning environment.

Parents lost the luxury of being able to fully concentrate on their jobs, as they were forced to take on the roles of teacher or daycare worker and daytime entertainer for their kids. Kids missed out on receiving the first-class education they depended on to feel prepared for the next school year or even college.

Healthcare workers risked their lives and those of their family to care for the people who were getting sick from COVID-19, worried they had been infected and wanted to get tested, or needed regular healthcare. Essential workers in grocery stores, post offices, public transportation, and other industries also became heroes as they continued to come to work to keep the country running, despite fearing for their own health and lives.

And there wasn’t a roll of toilet paper or paper towels to be found.

Social isolation

Across the board, we didn’t get to spend precious in-person time with our extended family and friends because we were doing our part to bend the curve and stop the spread of COVID-19. We didn’t get to go to the gym and may have fallen behind in our physical fitness. Our kids didn’t get to participate in their beloved sporting or other extracurricular events. Medical procedures were cancelled. Vacations were cancelled. Weddings were cancelled. Graduations were cancelled. Everything was cancelled.

Our dreams and plans were put on hold.

COVID-19 mental health toll

We certainly couldn’t have imagined this would be how the year would start off and end. Spring, summer, fall and winter, and all that comes with each, did not happen the way we have all become accustomed to for our entire lives.

And while we have done our best to adapt, the grief and loss of loved ones, financial security and social normality we have experienced over the past year has taken its toll on our mental health.

Where to go from here

We encourage you to watch a recording of our webinar “Coping with grief and loss during COVID-19” with Paula Hensley, MD, Magellan Healthcare senior medical director; Sagar Makanji, PharmD, Magellan Rx vice president, clinical strategy and programs; and Mark Santilli, PharmD, Magellan Rx senior director, clinical strategy and programs, as they share knowledge and tips for persevering after grief and loss due to COVID-19 and answer audience questions.

For additional COVID-19 resources from Magellan Health, click here.

How we can comfort and support each other when grieving

Grieving the loss of a family member, friend or colleague is difficult. The pandemic has made it even harder for many people to cope. Those who have lost loved ones to COVID-19 or other illnesses may face additional grief and sadness. Infection control restrictions have left them unable to visit or say goodbye. Moreover, traditional wakes and funeral services have been modified or eliminated due to social distancing and limits on the size of gatherings, changing the way people can comfort and support each other.

Many people have experienced multiple losses. For example, the loss of a loved one at the same time as unemployment and social isolation.  The resulting grief may be prolonged and complicated with delays in the ability to heal and move forward.

Common Grief Reactions

Pain associated with grief is a normal response to loss and can be felt on emotional, physical and spiritual levels. Common reactions to grief are:

• Initial feelings of shock, denial, and disbelief, which can be heightened when the death is sudden and unexpected
• Feelings of worry, fear, frustration, anger or guilt
• Physical reactions such as headaches, fatigue, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, pain and other stress-related symptoms
• Spiritual expressions of grief, such as questioning the meaning and purpose of life, pain and suffering

There is no normal and expected time for mourning to end. Depending on the relationship with the individual and the circumstances of the loss, grief can last for weeks to years. Grief can ebb and flow at unexpected times, triggered by memories of the deceased person, holidays and anniversaries of loss.

Coping with Loss

It is important to find ways to express grief.

• Connect with other people, such as friends, relatives, support groups, and faith-based organizations if applicable, even if the contact must be virtual or by phone. Sharing your feelings with people who understand what you are going through is comforting and eases loneliness.
• Participate in an activity, such as planting a tree or creating a memory book, to honor the person you lost. Ask family and friends to contribute their memories and stories.
• Take good care of yourself. Maintain a balanced diet, moderate exercise and adequate sleep. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, such as a massage or a walk in nature.
• Avoid the use of alcohol, tobacco or other drugs to escape emotional pain.
• Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Allow other people to assume some of your responsibilities when you are feeling overwhelmed.

When time has passed, if you are still having difficulty functioning, seek support through grief counseling, your EAP, support groups or hotlines. As writer Vicki Harrison said, “Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it’s overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

Normal holiday stressors can be compounded when we miss someone we have lost or are impacted by other hardships. This year, the sense of loss – of a loved one, financial security and a sense of “normal” – has touched many of us due to the COVID-19 pandemic. As we’re making plans to celebrate the holidays in unprecedented times, let’s take a break with Magellan’s Dr. Shareh Ghani as he discusses ways to address feelings of loss, practice self-care and make the most of this holiday season.

Magellan: Dr. Ghani, thank you so much for being here with us to share your many years of expertise in helping patients with behavioral health needs. Our first question: Is it possible to enjoy the holidays when we are experiencing the pain of losing a loved one to COVID-19 or something else?

Dr. Ghani: Thank you for having me. The pandemic has taken a toll on our community as we have lost loved ones prematurely, and we continue to experience sustained emotional pressure as COVID continues to spread. It is vitally important that we celebrate the holidays, exchange gifts and cards, gather virtually, and celebrate life. Spreading love and joy in these trying times will bring much-needed respite to the brain and body and boost our immune systems.

Magellan: How can we overcome feelings of worry and anxiety due to a job loss or other financial insecurity during this holiday season?

Dr. Ghani: Losing a job obviously leads to worry, anxiety and even questioning one’s own competence. The pandemic has helped many people shift focus to the “must haves” and not worry about the “nice-to-have” luxuries in life. Some are paying more attention to their health and fitness, minimizing spend, and planning for the future. Having a good strategy will help reduce the anxiety of uncertainty. If need be, talk to a therapist.

Magellan: Do you have any tips for people experiencing distress over not being able to celebrate the holidays in the way they may have in the past?

Dr. Ghani: One needs to evaluate the reason why we are changing our lifestyle. Social distancing helps stop the spread of the virus. Those who take this threat to our lives lightly may experience distress. Understanding the gravity of the situation alleviates it. We are celebrating in smaller groups so we can defeat the virus and return to our old ways of celebrating holidays safely. Think of it as a form of delaying gratification for better outcomes.

Magellan: What is your general advice for anyone who is experiencing loss to feel better and be able to experience joy this holiday season?

Dr. Ghani: Losing loved ones is a part of our life cycle. Human beings are resilient beings. Remember – those that we have lost would have wanted us to be happy. We should think about the happy moments we shared with those that are not here today and celebrate life.

Magellan: Why is it important to practice self-care and be an advocate for one’s own mental health?

Dr. Ghani: Good eating habits and physical exercise are key to physical and emotional wellness. Sleeping at least eight hours a day, hydrating well and experiencing joy and happiness are also important. All these things help with mental health. Relationships, family, helping others and being grateful add to a joyous life experience.